The Price of Happiness
by Misha
Summary: Follows "No Happy Ending", "Fool For Love" and "If You Love Someone, Let Them Go". Ranger ruminates on finding his happiness at the price of someone else's misery. Slightly angsty Babe.


The Price of Happiness  
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own any of it, so please don't sue me.

Author's Note- This is the last story in the series that started with "No Happy Ending" and then "Fool For Love" and "If You Love Someone, Let Them Go". This one is Ranger's perspective of the mess that he and Stephanie created. There is a Babe happy ending, but the story is still pretty angsty.

Pairings- Stephanie/Joe, Stephanie/Ranger, Ranger/Other.

Summery- Follows "No Happy Ending", "Fool For Love" and "If You Love Someone, Let Them Go". Ranger ruminates on finding his happiness at the price of someone else's misery. Slightly angsty Babe.

Spoilers- Up Until about Finger Lickin' Fifteen is fair game.

Rating- PG-13

* * *

At what price do we seek our own happiness? Is it wrong to be happy when it means someone else is heartbroken?

I've asked myself those questions a lot these last few months. I've always considered myself an honourable man, even if my code of ethics and most people's don't match up. I served my country faithfully, even though it meant great personal sacrifice. I'm loyal to my men, my word is my bond and I'd do anything for those I love.

Yet, I was unfaithful to my wife from the moment I said my wedding vows. Oh, not physically, that's a line I wouldn't cross, but I was emotionally unfaithful. I married her while I was still in love with another woman, and every time I made love to her, I couldn't help but picture Stephanie instead.

I hated myself for that. I hated myself for a lot of things. For waiting so long to tell Stephanie how I felt, for not being able to get her out of my head or heart, and most of all for marrying Gina while still loving Stephanie. I'd always thought I was a better man than that. But I was hurting and a lifetime alone suddenly seemed like a terrible thing and Gina was there and she was sweet and before I knew it I had made a commitment.

Once I made my vows, I did my best to honour them and to be the man that Gina needed me to be. I decided that I'd be the best husband I could be. I didn't think it would be a struggle, I did care for Gina, and it wasn't like Stephanie was an option. She was a married woman. A mother. She'd made her choice and it was why I married Gina in the first place, because I couldn't stand the thought of spending my entire life alone, loving and longing for another man's wife. I thought marriage to a good woman would cure me of my love for Stephanie.

I was wrong. I should have known that of two years of trying to deny my love for Stephanie and talk myself out of it hadn't worked, nothing would. Still, what was done was done and there was no going back. Stephanie had made her choice and I'd made mine and we both had to live with it.

Then there was the day that Stephanie admitted she'd made a mistake and confessed her love… That nearly killed me. That was the first time in our relationship I was ever truly furious with her. Why couldn't she have realized it the night I showed up at her door begging for a chance? Why did she have to figure it out when it was too late for us? She was married, I was married, and she had a child. Our moment had passed us by and finding out that she felt the same way about me, well it just made it all that much worse. It made me feel like I had been robbed of something wonderful.

I resolved to try and forget what Stephanie had told me and to keep trying to put her out of mind and heart, because no matter what we felt, there was no hope for us. Or was there? My whole world was rocked a few months later when I found out that Morelli had left Stephanie. At first, I was angry and I made some terrible assumptions about Morelli, silently condemning him for throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him.

Then, I found out why he left and my anger was replaced with shame. I was stunned when I learnt that he had left because he knew how she felt about me and he didn't want her to be with out of duty, he wanted her to be with him because she wanted to be. He was a better man than I had ever credit for and a better man than I would have been in the same situation. I'd always respected Morelli the cop, but at that moment I had a lot of respect for Morelli the man, because I knew how hard a decision that must have been for him. It proved how much he really loved her.

As soon as I heard that Morelli had left, I wanted to go to Stephanie and take her in my arms and kiss her, but it wasn't that simple. Stephanie's marriage might have been over, but mine still existed and as much as I longed to be with Stephanie, I couldn't bring myself to leave Gina. This wasn't like my marriage to Rachel, it wasn't something I could just walk away from without a second thought. Gina had made her vows in good faith and she didn't deserve to be discarded the moment the woman I really wanted became free. I had made my choice and I had to live with it. I couldn't give Gina my heart, but I could give her my loyalty and my faithfulness.

To her credit, Stephanie never asked me to leave Gina. She never brought up the subject at all. Never told me why Morelli had left or even that he had left. It was Tank who told me after he'd heard the story from Lula.

Stephanie did come and ask if she could work for me a few weeks after Morelli left her, I could tell she hated to ask, but she didn't want to go back to the Bonds office, not with a small child to care for, and it's a tough job market out there. I said yes, because I couldn't turn her out in the cold. So she came to work for me and I stayed married to Gina while Stephanie and I avoided each other as much as possible, she dealt primarily with Tank and when we did cross paths, we kept it purely professional.

It went on like for a while, until the day Gina came to me and showed me that she had as much strength and courage as Morelli and what an amazing woman she really was…

_/"I'm moving back in with my parents." Gina said softly._

_I looked from my paperwork, stunned by her words. "What?"_

_"I'm leaving, Carlos." Her voice was soft and her eyes were sad. She'd never looked more beautiful and I wanted so desperately to love her and I did love her, but I wasn't in love with her and I knew I never would be._

_"As soon as I'm settled, I'll call a lawyer and see about a divorce." She said quietly. "I'll also inquire about a religious annulment."_

_"Gina…" I began._

_"Please don't." She said softly. "Please don't ask me to stay when we both know that you don't mean it and that you'd only be saying it because feel like you have to. All I ever wanted was your love, Carlos, not your pity. I wanted to be your wife, not your burden."_

_"I'm sorry," I said softly, standing up. "I never wanted to hurt you."_

_"I know," she said quietly, "but you did." She sighed. "You would have stayed with me forever, I know that, and I almost let you, but… I want to be a better person than that."  
__  
"How long have you know?" I asked quietly, hating myself for the pain on her beautiful face._

_Gina looked sad. "A while. Since the day I figured who 'Babe' was. You call for her in your sleep, Carlos."_

_I winced, hating myself for the pain in her eyes. "Gina…"_

_"Don't." She said, cutting me off. "You love her Carlos, I know that. I just wish you'd been honest with me in the beginning."_

_I stayed quiet, because I honestly didn't know what to say. She was right, I should have been honest with her from the beginning and told her how I felt about Stephanie. It was unfair of me to marry her without telling her the truth._

_"I just have one question," she said quietly, looking me straight in the eye, "did you really think you were over her?"_

_"I wanted to be," I told her honestly. "Gina, believe me, when I married you, I intended it to be forever and I'll still honour those vows."_

_"I know you would, if I asked you to," she said softly, "but not because you really mean them and I deserve better than that."_

_"You do," I agreed and took her hands in mine. "I really am sorry."_

_She smiled sadly. "So am I." She pulled her hands away and walked towards the door. "I'll have my attorney contact yours."_

_With that she walked out the door and I stared after her, a million conflicting emotions running through me. I was free and part of me was elated, but the rest of me felt like the scum of the Earth. I was free to be with Stephanie, at last, but in the process we'd destroyed two good people who'd deserved much better and it was hard to feel good about that…/_

If I'd been the man I want to be, I would have chased after Gina. I would have learned to love her and put Stephanie out of my mind and removed her from my life. Gina and I could have gone and lived in Miami and I would never had to see Stephanie again. That was what an honourable man would have done. I'd never been one to break my word and even though Gina had given me out, that was still what I did.

But I didn't chase after her, instead I took the out she gave me. I let her leave, waited a week and then I went to Stephanie and told her that Gina had left and why. We stared at each other for a long time, Steph and I, as we stood in my office. I think we were both in shock that this moment had come. We had made a lot of mistakes in the past and those mistakes had caused a lot of pain, but we'd been given a second chance and we seized it. We made love that afternoon and Stephanie moved into Haywood just a month after Gina moved out. Maybe it was tacky of me, my mother certainly though so, but... As bad as I felt for hurting Gina, Stephanie was the love my life and we'd been given a second chance and I couldn't waste it. Not when we'd hurt so many people to get it.

It was awkward having her in the home I'd shared with Gina, but really I'd shared it with Stephanie first and every time I'd made love to Gina there it had felt wrong. Having Gina live at Haywood with me was a mistake, one of the many mistakes I made in my marriage. To make things work with Gina, I should have tried a fresh start, instead of bringing her into the place I had so many memories with Stephanie. Maybe that was why I didn't feel as terrible as I should have having Stephanie move in there, though it was only temporary. As soon as she moved in we started looking for a place of our own, because it was no place for a baby.

Morelli had continued to prove what a stand-up man he was by not fighting Stephanie for custody of Joe Jr. He only asked for regular visits and Stephanie complied willingly. She felt terrible for hurting him and she had no desire to keep him from his son. They managed to have an awkward peace, for the sake of their son, and I tried to stay out of his way, not wanting to rub salt in his wound.

There was nothing like that to bond Gina and I and all she wanted me was a fast divorce and a statement from me that I had married her while in love with someone else, which would allow her to obtain a religious annulment and put this mess behind her. I gave it to her, hating myself again for hurting her.

In the end though, Stephanie and I belonged together.

I now realize that I've been in love with Stephanie since she blew up the first car I gave her, I just fought it for a long time, convinced I couldn't give her the life she needed. I wish I'd realized how stupid that was much earlier than I did and fought for her before she committed to marrying Joe. Because if I had, we would have avoided all this pain.

Still, as much as I love Stephanie and I look forward to our life together, sometimes I wonder if it was worth the high price we paid to be together. We hurt two innocent people simply because we were too stubborn to realize that we belonged together and no matter how much we love each other, I know we'll both always carry the guilt over the pain we caused Joe and Gina. Stephanie and I got the happy ending, while they paid the price and sometimes I hate myself for that.

- The End


End file.
